After watching the steaming pile Hollywood just passed off as Transformers 2, I asked my friend Matt Wayt for his review.  I went to college with Matt and I remember the brilliant movie reviews he used to write.*

Unfortunately, Matt had been smart enough to NOT see the film, so I had to settle for his review of the first Transformers movie.  I think it applies equally well to the second.

I knew I had it somewhere. Back in the day (two years ago) I was posting on a message board and wrote a lot of quasi-professional reviews. But I couldn’t hold back with Transformers. So I wrote something very juvenile and passionate. Enjoy:

Seriously, fuck this movie.

Let’s take a sort-of vintage product, suck out any semblance of charm it had, process it with cold, distant blockbuster standby’s, throw in some product placement, a hot girl and lots of overhead shots of the Pentagon while the digital scene setting zooms through reading, “The Pentagon,” and then have the audacity to make it two and half hours just because.

Guys, really, fuck this movie.

Fuck this movie because Shia’s character, who begins as a headache-inducing oddball, becomes increasingly annoying and unlikable, yet you still have to root for him because he was here before most of the other characters.

Fuck this movie because Megan Fox doesn’t convincingly sell anything to the audience but her figure.

Fuck this movie because all of the amazing technical work that went into creating the transformers is often truncated because the they are, for some reason, shot in extreme close-up during most of the transformations… which completely robs from what should compare to the moment we first saw the Brachiosaurus in Jurassic Park.

Fuck this movie because that stupid asshole annoying little transformer shit steals a lot of screen time from other stuff that sucks but at least has the decency to be huge, and because it is able to sneak through Air Force Fucking One and walk across the runway without anyone seeing it. And an additional fuck: fuck the stupid mischievous cartoon noises he makes. This is where you try for charm, Michael Bay? With this fucking thing?

Fuck computer hackers who look like models.

Fuck Anthony Anderson playing LOUD CRASS BLACK MAN. GET IT? HE’S GOT ATTITUDE. AND HE’S BLACK. AND HE’S A REDSKINS FAN. A BLACK REDSKINS FAN. HE WEARS HIS JERSEY AND YELLS A LOT. BLAAACCCKK.

Fuck the Army guys and how they’re not charismatic or interesting at all.

Fuck how a typical beginning for Shia’s character being an awkward teenager lasts for half the fucking movie and becomes increasingly more resistant to a bigger, more important plot through random segues. Oh no, the dog peed on the transformer! Oh no, the transformer stepped on his mom’s flowers–uh nah he di-in! Oh no, transformers are hiding from Shia’s parents! Hope their massive bodies of alien technology don’t rattle the shingles too hard or else Shia’s fat, retarded parents might notice their presence!

Fuck John Turturro for being one of the most irritating characters I’ve ever seen in a film.

Fuck random bits of stupid writing that aren’t set up and are not believable under the circumstances presented in the film, like when the cop at the beginning starts goading Shia to make a move or some shit for no reason. This isn’t fucking funny, fuckers.

Fuck how most of the excitement doesn’t come until the last half hour.

Fuck Ebonics Robot.

Fuck eight shots to show a helicopter flying when one would due.

Fuck that Linkin Park song. Fuck it the second time it’s used. And fuck it when Bay uses it for something in the future.

This is a movie made for teenage boys who wear beach-bead necklaces with shirt-sleeved collared shirts and need something cool and wouldn’t know good execution if it killed their parents and for their girlfriends who come along and need extra drama to pay attention to in between texts with their friends at the mall. Fuck these people, and fuck this movie.

* Please leave comments and tell Matt to keep writing reviews!

Here’s a video just released by Reversed Image on the making of the debut album by Cleveland electro-rockers THISISASHAKEDOWN! TIAS frontman, Brandon Zano, is a former coworker who we are all very proud of over at Gorilla.  Be sure to watch through to the end of the video, so you don’t miss where Justin calls Brandon out on being too cool for the video shoot ;)

Seriously though,everyone involved in making this CD was very passionate and serious about it, and it shows:

Support Cleveland music and dance your ass off to Love Kills by THISISASHAKEDOWN! I can honestly say this is the first album I have paid for in a long time, and it was totally worth it.

Update: After watching this again I had to add – I think the jackets they are wearing at the end are the only coats those boys own.  Please buy their new CD so they can afford new clothes by next winter.  It gets cold in Cleveland and cheap beer only helps so much.

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Now playing: This Is A Shakedown! – You Make Me Wanna
via FoxyTunes