I saw Inception last night with Chef Goodguy at the Cleveland Cinemas Captiol Theatre. The Captiol is a gorgeous, renovated theatre in the Gordon Square Arts Distric featuring great movies with no attendance. We saw the film with 8 other people.

Captiol Theatre - they sell beer and wine!

Maybe it was just my date or the romance of the abandoned theatre, but the aspect of Inception I walked away the most affected by was the tragic love story between Cobbs and Mal. While the movie’s genre is all capers and chase scenes, the motivation is a gut-wrenching story of love and loss.

Now, I only saw the movie once. I did read and listen to a bunch of analysis on No Popcorn, Please, but since they hardly mentioned this angle of the film, a run-down:

Boy meets girl while working as an architect of dreams.  (At some point, they marry and have two children.)  Together, boy and girl explore his medium, pushing the limits.

While experimenting, they wind up stuck together in dream limbo. To save her sanity, he hypnotises her into knowing that nothing is real. When they wake up (by dying in the limbo dream), she is still hypnotised.

Despite his explanations, she wants nothing more than to wake up (by dying in real life). Ultimately she frames her husband and kills herself.

Rather than kill himself to be with her, as she had hoped, he spends all his free time with his dream version of her.

Unfortunately, his day job involves spending a lot of time in the dream world, too, and  this gets all emotional and screwed up until he has to chose between his sanity and his wife.

Isn’t that romantic?  I mean, it’s not teenage girls with werewolves and vampires, but a very adult situation nonetheless.  They accidentally kill themselves and go to limbo together, then they kill themselves together to get out of limbo, then she kills herself thinking that life is limbo…  It just makes me want to wear black and write poetry.

Mal shoots

I love you. Die.

My friends Matt and Bob have somes theories about Christopher Nolan’s skills or lack thereof in presenting humans with emotions.  Is Nolan incapable of showing the romance directly, or is he so skilled that he can hint to an entire romantic back story while focusing solely on the final guilt?

DiCaprio portrays the role of guilt-stricken lover with usual mastery, but Nolan robs us of some of the most emotional scenes in this tale.  As Matt points out, we never see Cobbs’ decision to let go of his wife.  Also missing is the moment when Cobbs decides he must brainwash his wife to save her.  Instead we get some cheesy dollhouse imagery.

In hiding this story’s romance, Nolan is dangling a carrot; “See, I have a soft side. Here’s a peak. Now let’s get back to blowing shit up. In three realities. Simultaneously.”

Finally, my own hair-brained theory for the “real reality” of Inception.  While I like the idea that Ariadne could have performed inception on Cobb, I propose that nothing says Mal was really dead.  If one can suppose that Cobb was dreaming the whole movie, it’s not hard to imagine Mal alive the whole time, entering his dream with the others.

Maybe Mal just jumped a level of limbo without Cobb, and she’s been real the whole time.  She’s always sabotaging his projects – maybe she was in there trying to bring him out of limbo to come back to the real world with her.  Now, I realize there are rules governing whether and how that could have been possible, but I dare someone to tell me Mal had to be dead.

(…maybe they had already lived a lifetime together, and they were bored, and still stuck in limbo together, and they took turns killing each other and pushing each other further into their comas, and each time one killed the other, the first would have to convince the second to kill themselves so the game could reset on the next level.)

The truth is I liked the movie because it reminded me of another morbid romance called What Dreams May Come.

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After watching the steaming pile Hollywood just passed off as Transformers 2, I asked my friend Matt Wayt for his review.  I went to college with Matt and I remember the brilliant movie reviews he used to write.*

Repost: The Famous Optimus Prime

Unfortunately, Matt had been smart enough to NOT see the film, so I had to settle for his review of the first Transformers movie.  I think it applies equally well to the second.

I knew I had it somewhere. Back in the day (two years ago) I was posting on a message board and wrote a lot of quasi-professional reviews. But I couldn’t hold back with Transformers. So I wrote something very juvenile and passionate. Enjoy:

Seriously, fuck this movie.

Let’s take a sort-of vintage product, suck out any semblance of charm it had, process it with cold, distant blockbuster standby’s, throw in some product placement, a hot girl and lots of overhead shots of the Pentagon while the digital scene setting zooms through reading, “The Pentagon,” and then have the audacity to make it two and half hours just because.

Guys, really, fuck this movie.

Fuck this movie because Shia’s character, who begins as a headache-inducing oddball, becomes increasingly annoying and unlikable, yet you still have to root for him because he was here before most of the other characters.

Fuck this movie because Megan Fox doesn’t convincingly sell anything to the audience but her figure.

Fuck this movie because all of the amazing technical work that went into creating the transformers is often truncated because the they are, for some reason, shot in extreme close-up during most of the transformations… which completely robs from what should compare to the moment we first saw the Brachiosaurus in Jurassic Park.

Fuck this movie because that stupid asshole annoying little transformer shit steals a lot of screen time from other stuff that sucks but at least has the decency to be huge, and because it is able to sneak through Air Force Fucking One and walk across the runway without anyone seeing it. And an additional fuck: fuck the stupid mischievous cartoon noises he makes. This is where you try for charm, Michael Bay? With this fucking thing?

Fuck computer hackers who look like models.

Fuck Anthony Anderson playing LOUD CRASS BLACK MAN. GET IT? HE’S GOT ATTITUDE. AND HE’S BLACK. AND HE’S A REDSKINS FAN. A BLACK REDSKINS FAN. HE WEARS HIS JERSEY AND YELLS A LOT. BLAAACCCKK.

Fuck the Army guys and how they’re not charismatic or interesting at all.

Fuck how a typical beginning for Shia’s character being an awkward teenager lasts for half the fucking movie and becomes increasingly more resistant to a bigger, more important plot through random segues. Oh no, the dog peed on the transformer! Oh no, the transformer stepped on his mom’s flowers–uh nah he di-in! Oh no, transformers are hiding from Shia’s parents! Hope their massive bodies of alien technology don’t rattle the shingles too hard or else Shia’s fat, retarded parents might notice their presence!

Fuck John Turturro for being one of the most irritating characters I’ve ever seen in a film.

Fuck random bits of stupid writing that aren’t set up and are not believable under the circumstances presented in the film, like when the cop at the beginning starts goading Shia to make a move or some shit for no reason. This isn’t fucking funny, fuckers.

Fuck how most of the excitement doesn’t come until the last half hour.

Fuck Ebonics Robot.

Fuck eight shots to show a helicopter flying when one would due.

Fuck that Linkin Park song. Fuck it the second time it’s used. And fuck it when Bay uses it for something in the future.

This is a movie made for teenage boys who wear beach-bead necklaces with shirt-sleeved collared shirts and need something cool and wouldn’t know good execution if it killed their parents and for their girlfriends who come along and need extra drama to pay attention to in between texts with their friends at the mall. Fuck these people, and fuck this movie.

* Please leave comments and tell Matt to keep writing reviews!

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